Waiting in The Wings
by Hollow Desire
Summary: After running for miles, Jacob finally begins to tire and decides to head back to forks. Before going home, he decides to visit Bella. When Bella suddenly decides to kiss him, how will Jacob react? Will he take advantage of it? JacobXBella BellaXEdward
1. Part One: Cocaine n' Caffeine

Waiting in The Wings

Part One: Cocaine/Caffeine

I wondered if exhaustion could creep up on you, if it could slowly devour you, like a snake does to a large rat, slowly letting it slip into its skin. My muscles ached slowly, pinching softly, the tendons over stretched. I had reached even the limits of my new body which made me envious again of the leech. He would never grow tired, his muscles were dead, they didn't need rest, blood, oxygen. I slowed to a crawl, resting on my stomach, becoming suddenly breathless. Snow blurred the surroundings, transforming it to a mere winter fog. It was a bad thought for the moment, yet I wanted her in my mind, to take away the tiredness and resurrect good feelings.

I imagine we'd be sitting on the beach now, the soft warmth of summer creeping up on us, warming her face. She'd be glaring at the sea, hoping a hurricane to crush me but she would change her mind last minute. She would revel in her selfish ways and let me hold her to me, and play with her fingers. I'd give her a hard look when she looked away, hoping she hadn't seen the sadness in my eyes, the longing of wanting to revel in my own selfishness. To take her and show her that my arms too could feel like home. That wouldn't happen again though, that part of her, the part that loved me, wasn't enough to keep her. That unnatural, that sickness, he had infected her with has eating her alive slowly. But I knew, deeply, in a way I didn't want to accept, that she wanted to be diseased, cold and a blood drinker, even if for all the wrong reason. She wanted to die to live.

I wished for the chance to show her, that I was good enough, that I was better than an addiction. I was safe, I wouldn't hurt her. But she was lost to me, a druggie consumed in her next high, a druggie that would seek comfort in my arms when she had fallen from HEAVEN. She would use human feelings and a human relationship as her quick fix like a cocaine addict deprived and sullenly wishing for a high on caffeine. I would never be good enough, yet I was something she needed, not desperately but in a human way. Which was both soothing and aggravating. I wondered about her thoughts now, would she look for me? Would the sound of a twisted and aged motor bike split the air in half and send my heart splitting as well. No and I was stupid to believe such. So, so, so stupid. I was miles and miles away from Forks, miles and miles. So many unknown miles away.

I sighed deeply, rubbing my noses with my dirty paws. I look at the path up ahead, all the same as the one behind... I sigh again, not sure of the path I must take. Again I wonder if she's ever even felt in the slightest conflicted. For even a second, that she might have wanted me more. Even in the slightest, that would be more than enough to keep me running for centuries. Fate comes to mind, the philosophy of '_Everything happens for a reason,'_ and anger swells in my chest, the fur all around spiking in it's defensive way. This was not meant to happen, this is a human addiction to something just as dangerous as any narcotic. Every kiss he gives her (that she takes) a form of gluttony in it's highest.

A starling growl erupts from my chest as if this beast of anger has just been release from a locked cage, hungry for it's next meal. The beast is caught in my chest, the fur on all my body spiking in an unusual, primal sort of way. I was a monster. Sudden energy took on my muscles and I felt a jitter just as that cocaine addict, losing themselves and their souls in the ecstasy.

The trees are a blur as I past by them, every muscle in my body straining with newborn strength. Behind me, a tornado of wind, dirt, and flora whorl in my passing. I can smell the refreshing scent of clear water, hear the fish jumping to the surface for a glance at the drier world. Before even a moments thought of thirst or hunger, there is wetness at my feet and I'm flying. The lake disappears behind me just as the rest of the world. Eventually the snow has gone, melted away by the current of my run. The familiar scent of Forks enters my brains and triggers a whole set a memories, to the last time we spoke. Before I had the courage to leave.

_'I really don't understand...I mean, isn't it horrible? Being so obsessed with someone?'_

_She won't look at me, her breath is harsh and began to trap in her lungs. She stares out to the ocean, observing as the waves consumed the land and return it after a simple taste of it's sandy/rocky flesh. I caress her shoulder, taking in the subtle coolness of her skin. To Edward, I assumed she would be terrible hot, like me to her? It was hard to see anything in common with him. Only she was an acceptable connection. _

'_Isn't it horrible that you're still breathing?' She sighed, regretting the words as fast as she had spoken them. That was her though, saying things without meaning them, without tasting them for potency. Like having possibly contaminated spreads and using them without the slightest consideration. Her movement is soft as she turns to me, her face dropping down, her smile faded into a memory of the past. 'You know I don't mean that...' Her hand rubs against my cheek, like a cool breeze in spring and fading just as quickly. I want to say, I know bella...but it gets caught in my throat, my tongue holding back the words because, I don't actually believe them. 'Jake?' The moment of silence has passed too long for her and she's moving anxiously toward me, the smile fading more so by the second. 'Say something...please?'_

_I look to her, hard eyes and all, taking my hand from her. A rough rock rotates in my palm, moving around and around till it is nothing but ragged dust. 'Sometimes it's really hard...' The words are caught again, not by disbelieve but by guilt. By her face that is slowly dropping to her knees, by the soft tears locked away like badly caged criminal behind her eyes. 'To believe you...' Even I have my moments when I wish I could take it back but as much as I would wish I know that she must know the truth behind that heart of lies. 'There's other stuff that's not easy...' I say, grabbing at the sandy shore to a rock that is innocent of any crime yet is sent out to sea, exiled far across the blue abyss._

'_Like?' Her voice is drenched in anticipation and uneasiness, on the edge. I can't bare to look at her. _

'_Well...'_

'_Well?'_

'_Like why you keep coming here...' Another regret to add to the list, just one more to weight me down to my deathbed. 'I mean, I know that I mean __**a lot to you**_..._but really. Why keep drowning yourself in this pool you will never be able to completely explore?' She is quiet again, her heart racing through all the muscle and bone, wanting to come and tell it of it's selfish/heartless intentions. 'C'mon bella, let's be serious and live in reality for two seconds. Let's get past the monster...' It seemed this whole life of ours had evolved into so cheezy hollywood script. Her quietness is eating at my heart, telling me I should laugh and say 'made you think...' but I'm not sure if a brimming smile and hand touch can take away the potency of the words just stated. In the end I suppose I'm the one serve the spread to both her and I. 'Do you really love me?' It seemed a stupid question and I was expecting a hardy laugh. I did not get what I wanted._

'_What do you mean, do I really love you?' An question as an asnwer to a question. _

'_I mean, do you really love me...just what I said.' I say, turning, my hands reaching constantly for my rocks to tossing into the endless stretch of blue. There is deliberation on her part, silence and picking of her poisons. _

'_No...' I never knew that such a word, such a simple stupid lil word could tear you down with such ease. 'No, I don't, Jacob.' Her voice is thoughtful, her mind working ahead of itself, leaving me in misery. 'It's so– so beyond that...' She looks away, catching her breathe and holding her hand out for the new born rain. 'So much that it hurts...' I turn to her, quietly, waiting to be taken in an embrace, ready to be struck down by fate one more time. _

'_It hurts both of us you know...' I don't say it to be mean, I say it to show her that I too love her so deeply, that I'm drowning myself ever second. 'I mean...' I wonder if any words could ever possibly change her mind, bring her a sudden epiphany and make her wish for my touch, for my love. _

'_I know... but I'm too selfish to give you up entirely...' Like a cocaine addict sullenly taking a sip of caffeine knowing smile inducing easy. The sun on a clouded day. _

'_You make me seem like a daily drinking of Dr. Pepper. If you don't drink me by noon, your head is gonna protest.' I smile softly at her, reveling my lil coke addict. _

'_I do need you, almost every day and if I could have you forever–' she stops, knowing the heart strings she pulls as she plays this song in the balance. 'But, I love him __**more**__...' I knew it. It wasn't some unexpected tragedy, it was just torture to hold her for a second and know every second of it that she would return to him in the end. I look to the beginning of the forest, waiting for her to stop me, take me in her strongest embrace and tell me how much she needs me but she doesn't move from the log, breathing softly, lost in the thoughts and I take my changes, I run. I run forever, run for her, run away from her, just run. I ran, I just ran so far away...I ran all night and day...the world fading away, like a dismal history, something I wish to forget and embrace all at once. _


	2. Part Two: My Perfect Tragedy

Waiting in The Wings

Part Two: My Perfect Tragedy

The feel of the street was strange beneath my feet, the cold air of night rustling my fur into a hurricane of hair. The house was familiar, small and soft like a dream, the tree outside, the rusty red truck I knew so well and her scent like that of an Angel. I imagined he was already there, telling her sweet nothings, letting her fall more so diseased with every kiss. She was restless this night, I found, as she tossed and turned upon her bed, closer to falling with ever single movement. He wasn't there, his impossibly sweet air didn't burn at me...he wasn't there. The room was small, strangely ole like a story yet to be told and completed, more to the room that an ancient PC, bed, and sweet rocking chair. And I wish she knew how badly I wished to be a part of this story.

There she was, quiet and softly moving about, in a futile attempt at comfort or so it seemed. I took my chances again, becoming a dare devil in a whole new world. My fingers ran along her face, soft from sleep, her eyes tired and deprived of rest. I wondered if I was due cause, if I was the reason she was restless, the reason that Edward wasn't here. She stiffened at my touch, sweat beaming at her brow, a scream stifled in her chest. She fought invisible monster through closed eyes, moving about erratically, fist thrown without care. I stepped away knowing the consequences of such a beating. "Jacob..." She calls softly, moving her hands at the bed, searching for someone her dreams thought was lost to the winds.

"I'm here..." I say, taking her small hand in my mine, completely and utterly burying it in my hot flesh. In a sudden and unnaturally fast way (for her in the very least) she jumps into my arms with quickness, holding to me for dear life, kissing my chest and hands. "Bella?" I look down on her, her face buried in my chest; suddenly wet with tears of sadness/joy? I can't tell. "What's wrong?" Her chocolate eyes look up to me, swirly and heavy, wet and dense. Her soft, rosy cheeks spoiled with heavy, thick tears. "Bella..."She only holds to me, caressing my skin with her soft finger tips, kissing at my flesh, taking in my warmth with selfish intensity. I look down at her again, forcing her eyes up with a hand beneath her chin. "Say something..."

It seems the words have finally registered as she looks up to me again, a shaky hand reaching for my face, her fingers swiping again my cheek as if I'm a cloud, a dream and if she took me too hard I would be merely air once again. "Jacob, is that really you?" Her voice is weak and timid, soft from lost, shaky from disbelief. An impish smirk appears at my lips as I take her silky cool cheek in my hand, still wet from her tears. "Jacob..." Another hand reaches for me, taking hold fast, and unwilling with all it's strength to ever let go.

"Yes, Bella?" Her name treads on my tongue, sweet and bitter all the same. Hard like ancient chocolate that I refuse to resist, even if it does make me sick. A new flood of tears erupts, again from sadness or happiness, it is too soon to tell. "Why are you crying?" It's a simple question, her hands tighten at my neck, pulling me closer to her, as much as her lungs and bones will allow.

"Jacob!" Mood swings...got damn it. Her voice splits through the air, close to waking Charlie from his deep slumber.

"Bella..."

"What?!"

"Shh...you're going to wake Charlie..." I caress her cheek slowly, the summer breeze of her breath heavy suddenly. "What's wrong? Why are you yelling?" I take a seat on her bed, the stiff blankets aged and somewhat ragged. I rest my nose to them for just an instant, taking the sent of lavender and roses, the semi sweet air intoxicating me.

"Where have you been? I was worried sick!" She's ranting again, taking large steps over the room, finding the perfectly squeaky board every-time.

"Sit down," I sit her down, holding her hand in my lap, my heart shaking from the fury on her face, the hate leaking through her pupils.

"What the fuck, Jacob? Where the hell have you been?" She's upon me now, her hands on my face, her lips kissing at my lips and my face in general. I stiffen, not sure what to make of it, waiting for Edward to kill me, for him to shred me for making his Fiancé love me. For being her sun on a cloudy day. "Your never leaving again..." Her hands fiddle with my collarbone, tracing the indent of them, the hallows beneath the bone.

"But you are..." The words strike like the atomic bomb, blowing everything away and infection the remains of ruin. Another round of tears stream down, not taking me by surprise. I shift, making distance between us. Just like the distance in real life. "Don't cry, you made that choice...it's what you want."

"Just because it's what I want doesn't mean I don't love you!" She's yelling again, nails digging into my skin, pulling me to her and I'm the only attracting magnet opposing. "I want- I need you!" Her body crushes hard against mine, constricting her own breath in the attempt at closeness. "You can't do this to me!" Her lips hug to my neck, her tears staining my skin and bleeding through to my heart, tearing me down slowly. Drowning me from the inside out. "You can't, you can't!" Her hands pound against my chest, desperation flooding her soul and killing her in a small way, such a micro way that in time she will learn I was never more than a passing warmth in an eternal winter. " Do you not love me?" The words burn holes in mine, my heart scorched and the anger like a heated volcano within me ready to explode.

"THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" My voice shatters the house, shaking it to it's very core with my undeniable anger. Against me, she trembles with new born fear. A fear that will protect us all in the end. I push her from my lap, my skin hot, my head heavy with thoughts too dark for their own good. "Bella, I love you so fucking much..." My fingers dig into my temples, crushing the bones beneath them. My thoughts undeniably selfish again. "And that's my problem! I can't love you!" My blood rushes in my veins to the point of boiling and with my anger I'm cooking myself internally. "Damn it!" My hand smashes against a picture frame holding a faded memory of happier days, the picture catching wind and landing in my tense hands.

_What happened to me?_

_When I was your sun? _

_When we would laugh,_

_Denying my approach on_

_the grounds that I was too young. _

_I think you could have loved me,_

_without out question or doubt,_

_never wondering is this the right_

_choice and having to worry about..._

_Hurting your soul. _

"Do you remember this day..." My voice tremors from my temper tantrum seconds ago.

In the picture she sits at the beach, staring out to the cloudy day for a sign she will not receive for many more weeks. The return of a certain man that held her down and broke her into a damaged mess that I loved. As much as she seemed broken and decayed, I could have fixed her. She was a new cobalt with the engine torn from within but I could fix that, I would have gotten her a new engine, a better one.

"Yeah...I do..." The fear leaks throughly, reminding me that in her eyes I am still that monster, that I could kill her in a second. "It started to rain after you took that picture..." I place the picture down, regretting my outburst, hating her fear. I don't know how she gets the courage every time but she is with me again, against my back, her hands around my waist. "Jacob?" Her lips are against my back, kissing the middle of my back softly. I wish I could push her away, tell her to leave me alone but I cannot deny her again. I hate that I can't push her away, I hate that I can't have her, and I hate that Edward can. "I love you..." and I hate those words.

"I know you do..." I pat her hands gently, tearing her fingers apart and coming to rest on the bed again. "Oh, boy, do I know..." I hold my head in my hands, my thoughts throbbing, my wants reaching a primal high. Becoming more so a need than a want with every second that passes by. I feel her cool breath on my chest, my heart racing, her heart throbbing away as well. It seems we both take a knife to our hearts and cut away, a small piece in hers and a large piece in me to the point where I will never feel complete again. To the point where I'll be an empty shell, like she was, a new hummer without an engine. Shiny on the outside but useless all the same. And this whole, pain and pain relationship I allowed to proceed was my perfect tragedy. A ruin trying to rebuild on air and dreams. A city after the atomic bomb it and I wondered if the damaged would ever repair... and I hear those words again.

"Jacob, I love you" Along with a kiss to my lower neck, soft and timid, soaked in fear of the future. And I hate the phrase even more. I hate ever part of it because I know better, I know better then to let myself fall deep into this chasm of hopeless dreams. I look down on her and her lips crush against me, desperate for contact, needing and hungry, unsatiable. I pull away, crushing her to my chest, knowing the time to let her go isn't far but isn't nearly close enough either.


End file.
